“I’ve Never Seen You Here Before”

Something else you should know about be is that when I first arrived in Manhattan in 2008, I weighed 225 lbs. Until the year before I had never been more than 180, but a bout with depression and suddenly I was eating everything in sight and doing as little as possible.

A few months ago, I took my regained 180 lb frame for a drink out alone after having one of those horrid nights where not only two of my one night stands ended up visiting my bar, but I managed  to run into three others while simply walking up 9th Avenue. After deciding it was a clear sign from the powers that be to go the fuck home, I decided to hail a cab, when all of a sudden, these three beautiful blonde women in little black dresses ran up to me.

“Hey you,” this one was clearly Australian (as were all the others) “are you gay?”

“Umm… yeah.”

“Awesome! We think you look like Colin Farrell! Would you like to have a drink with us?”

Okay, first of all, I look nothing like Colin Farrell, but I was in desperate need of a compliment, company, and some hard alcohol. “Of course doll!”

I followed Phoebe, Zoe, and Michelle to Therapy, where Phoebe informed me that she was treating me with Daddy’s American Express Black Card. We found ourselves drinking random shots of everything after the bartenders were told to just “have some fun with the Grey Goose.” After only thirty minutes of introductions, conversations, the end of a drag show and more vodka than I can recall drinking in recent memory, we found ourselves across the street at Industry.

Since the bar is cash only, drinks were on Zoe. We all found ourselves on the club’s stage with champagne glasses in hand when someone tapped me on the shoulder- I turned around to see a clean cut businessman in a suit smiling “hey there, I’ve never seen you here before.” I instantly recognized the man as someone I had a one night stand with only two and a half years ago. I remember it vividly because I had just seen Vogue’s Grace Coddington in the subway at 42nd Street and was still bewildered that the fashion icon took the subway like everyone else.

Amused, I introduced myself “I’m J.”

“I’m Bill! Nice to meet you!” He was clearly drunk.

The funny thing is, Bill wasn’t my first re-introduction since my weight loss. I actually love being a snarky asshole to men who can’t remember that they had pursued me, wined and dined me, and in some cases, even slept with me. The latter has been the case with a NYU professor and a CBS producer. Yes, gay men are that shallow. Yes, I do look VERY different now. No, I don’t look so different to where I’m unrecognizable.

The thing I also remember clearly about Bill was his perfectly rounded little ass, and how when he fell asleep naked on his belly, his butt actually reflected the light coming in from the windows. I was about to embarrass Bill with a savagely witty quip about the Georges Seurat print that hung in his bathroom, but just as I was about to speak, Phoebe ran up to me.

“We have to leave!”

“Why?” I asked.

“They caught Zoe with cocaine and we’ve got to get out of here, she managed to make a dash for it, but we all have to go or they’ll find my stash!” Shit… just the night I needed.

“Okay, lets leave.” I turned around to say something to Bill, but he was too busy spinning in circles and laughing to care what was going on.

As soon as we reached 9th Avenue, I hailed myself a cab and went home.

DRUNK PARTY BARTENDERS

While I loved being a bar tender, there were times I didn’t always enjoy myself. For anonymity purposes, we’ll call my former bar, Drunk Party. My first week at Drunk Party was hell. The managers only hired two bartenders and the other was sick in the hospital during opening week. For this… I hated her. We had been well advertised and with the frequent cash cab pickups in our area, we were a hot spot with lines down the block. I did enjoy the tips however, and now realize if I had been smarter during that first month, I would still be living comfortably in my Upper West Side apartment.

When Kelly finally showed up a week later after a kidney infection or uterus seizure or whatever it was she had, I tried to not be so friendly. “Hey” I said as nonchalant as possible.

“Hey, so sorry I kept you so stressed last week.”

“No worries.” Just then we suffered a huge technical difficulty, about half our beer taps stopped functioning due to some electric problem. I looked down at the long line of people waiting…. and I mean this was to the back wall and out the door.

“Want a percocet?”

I looked over at Kelly who was slyly holding a small pill in her hand. “Sure.” We instantly became best friends and had the best night of work… EVER.